How to kiss a giraffe...

"There is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first."

- Janeane Garofalo

Note: The following anecdote is an excerpt from "Guests at the MOXIE Hotel," an unpublished, anonymous, hand-written manuscript found under a pile of ancient National Geographic magazines in a rundown beach cottage on the Oregon coast. Some researchers believe the manuscript may be the last remaining link to D.B. Cooper. Others disagree.

Low clouds hung over the beach, and the spray from the wind-tossed breakers carried an uncommon chill. Hot tea was definitely in order. Just as I turned to follow my sandy footprints back to the November quiet of the shuttered resort, a dull gray bottle washed in from who-knows-where. Alone, yet not wanting to seem unreasonably stuffy and aloof, I picked it up, and popped out the customary old and weathered cork. No genie appeared. What a shock!

BUT THEN ... a quiet, gentle voice reached out to me, tempting, tempting. "You have one month and three choices," it said. "If you kiss a puppy, full on the lips, your bank account will be instantly enriched by $100."

Nice, I thought, but no big deal. Not very tough, but not much payoff, either.

The voice-from-the-bottle went on. "Or - you may choose to kiss a mule, full on the lips, and your bank account will be enriched by $1,000."

This was getting interesting. Mules do have some prodigious choppers, being herbivores and all; but I figured could probably get the job done without any permanent damage to my hauntingly average good looks.

"Or," my mysterious friend continued, "you may choose to kiss a giraffe, full on the lips, and have your bank account enriched by $1,000,000."

Whoa! A million bucks. But kiss a giraffe? How was I going to pull that off? First, I'd have to find a giraffe. Then... whatever.

Leaving the bottle on the sand, I turned my back on the mist-muted sunset and headed for a warmer place and a hot cup of tea.

Back at the all-but-empty cafe, I sipped my tea and considered my options. Hmmm. I could be hallucinating. I should probably forget the whole thing, mention it to no one, and get on with life. Of course, the puppy deal would be an easy $100, and nobody would notice. But why bother? Chump change. The mule stunt would be tough to hide. If anybody asked why I thought it was a good idea to kiss a mule, I obviously couldn't say a talking bottle told me it was worth $1,000.

But, for a million dollars, I ought to be able to come up with a good story. On the other hand, getting access to a giraffe, finding a way to get to kissing height, enticing the giraffe to cooperate, and so on, would definitely cost some time, and possibly some serious money - all before I got my million. I'd be risking some raised eyebrows and a not a few bucks. My boss might even think I had gone around the bend, and give me a 100% chance to work somewhere else.

My teacup was empty. My mind was made up. I walked out of the cafe and headed for my car. As I turned the key to unlock the door, the dull gray bottle rattled across the pavement and, almost expectantly, came to rest against my left foot. If this was a hallucination, it was a good one. I sucked in a full tank of cold, salty air, and dutifully urged the cork to freedom.

"Have you chosen?"

"Yes," I said. "I'll take the giraffe."

"I thought you would." Silence. I sensed just a hint of a sigh, and perhaps a chuckle. Then I heard, with painful clarity, the unbearable truth. "The three option deal was just a test. I have no way to put money in your bank account. Besides, anyone in his right mind knows that talking bottles only appear in fairy tales and hallucinations."

"Go find a lonely, untamed, very large, unusual market that really wants a kiss, and lay a big juicy one right on its lips. Create a startup business that matters to somebody besides you. The million dollars will follow in due course - perhaps."

"But you said..."

"Yes, you're right," said the talking bottle. "I quite arbitrarily changed the deal; but sometimes life just isn't fair. It's dangerous to forget that. And don't forget this either..."

"If making a million bucks was easy, anybody could do it."

~***~